1. Lip Syncing
There’s nothing more obnoxious than when you open someone’s story and it’s just them lip synching. They’re generally always in their car. Like, um. OK. You’re just lip synching away in your car to some Cardi B song and driving like a damn lunatic. I am neither impressed nor entertained. These jackholes are probably leaving a wake of destruction behind them as they swerve in and out of lanes picking which filter to use. It’s plain irresponsible is what it is!
Then again, sometimes a dope Nicki verse will come on and I need to show all my followers that this white girl can, in fact, rap. Am I guilty of the lip syncing snap? 100%. Do I judge you when you do it? Also 100%.
2. Concert Videos
Unless it’s one small clip of the chorus of the band or artist’s most famous track, I couldn’t care less that you’re at a concert. I just think, “Wow, this person is so thirsty for other people to think they’re cool that they don’t enjoy the music at all, they’re too busy Snapchatting.”
If I’m at the show, I’m pretty sure everyone is dying to see how close I was, just how amazing they sound live, and how hot the lead singer is in person. Like, five snaps per concert is tolerable, right? RIGHT?!
3. Obnoxious Drunk Stories
Yeah, we get it, you like to party. You and your friends are having such a good time in a dimly-lit sports bar, or is it a club that no one else went to? IDK, but obviously you’re having an awesome time, drinking awesome shooters, soaking up each other’s awesomeness, since your phone is out the whole night documenting the experience. I can’t tap my screen fast enough to make it through this shit.
Yet, if it’s me and my friends, you probably want to see what shenanigans we got ourselves into last night. You definitely want to see our 2am Taco Bell run. We get into such zany mishaps! We’re basically doing you a favor because you probably stayed in, and now you know what a good time you missed. We did such a good job documenting our night, now it’s like you were there with us! God, we are so funny. Lemme just watch all of these back three times while I’m at brunch.
It’s so obvious when someone photoshops a pic. I mean, you expect me to believe that your skin is perfect when I can obviously tell you accidentally made your hair blurry? Hun, we can see you IRL. We aren’t buying what you’re trying to sell.
But like, sometimes I have a zit before a big event and it’s obvious that the zit is not part of how I generally look. So it’s totally fine for me to just erase that…. and brighten up my under-eyes… and whiten my teeth. Really, I’m just presenting the best version of myself to the world, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
5. Deflecting Captions
Girl, your selfie is hot AF. I don’t know why you had to caption it “When you’re really just thinking about tacos.” Have some goddamn respect and just post the picture where you look hella pretty and leave it at that. You don’t need to hide the fact hat you’re like, really pretty by accompanying a picture silly and quirky caption that deflects the real reason you posted it: to show people that you’re really, really ridiculously good looking.
I’m not just going to post a picture without a caption, though. I might as well make it something clever so people know that not only do my boobs look great, but I also have original thoughts. Beauty and brains. Yes, that’s the ticket.
6. Messaging Through The App
If you have my number, why wouldn’t you just text me instead of making me open this stupid app every three seconds? Just fucking text me. If you send me a meme and I respond, that can just be the end of the conversation unless you want to take it to text.
But, like, we’re already talking in the app so why get more digital formats involved? Might as well finish the conversation, however long it may be, in this app and then if I have something else unrelated to say later, I can just text you. When you think about it, it’s actually MORE convenient this way.
7. Liking Celebrity Posts
Really, you think Kim K gives a shit if you “like” her picture or not? Insta lets you see which of your friends have liked celebrity posts, and when I see the culprits I just SMH. These people don’t need your likes. Likes are for people you actually know.
Well, sometimes a blogger I follow will post a really cute outfit and I think they should know that I appreciate the effort. And if I like a post from a Kardashian, like, who really notices and/or gives a shit? Probably no one, unless they’re like me and think I’m an idiot for giving out likes like a podcaster gives out promotional codes for meal delivery services.
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